Sunday, October 26, 2008

Reflections

I've been MIA from blogville a bit in the last few weeks. Usual reasons would be because I've been busy. But it would be untrue for me to claim that. In fact I've just had my least productive month ever. It's a long story and I don't even know if everything really makes sense to me at the moment.

Has anyone ever had a "wilderness experience"? Have you ever felt so disappointed and disillusioned with yourself and with God? Have you ever gotten tired of the Christian race? Do you feel sometimes like you are losing your faith and God seems far away? I have been feeling like that for some time. Towards the end of September, I hit a brick wall in some areas of my life. At first I was angry with God for a really annoying weekend that hubby and I had. Then everything went downhill from there. The anger slowly disappeared but was replaced by a feeling of gloom that nothing could shake. It felt like there was a huge dark cloud hanging over my head. Probably because by that time I was so far away from God that I couldn't even function properly.

So of course what happened next? I developed a severe case of writer's block and my brain went into meltdown. I lost the motivation to do most things I usually enjoy, even reading a good book. I felt like I couldn't do anything useful with myself. I couldn't pray and I couldn't write. When I wrote that "Totally Random" post, I was trying to force myself to do something I normally enjoy but it wasn't the same. So I just scrambled the words together and gave up. I began to operate on auto-pilot because it was like something had sucked out all my joy and enthusiasm for life. The funny thing was that all this was an internal battle and I seemed perfectly fine on the outside. Even when I was in church I would sing, clap, smile and do everything else, but inside I felt like a fraud.

About ten days ago, I actually started to get tired and fed up with feeling this way. In church last Sunday, the speaker said that sometimes he too got tired of the Christian race and felt like he had no strength to go on. I totally understood what he meant and I hoped that I would finally regain some hope, faith and strength. During the week I told a good friend of mine how I had been feeling. She really encouraged me with her words:

Our Lord is so loving that He won't let you go. He is faithful and even though it looks like nothing seems to be working out, there is no question He loves us. Keep reminding yourself that. Lord knows we may go through times like this and ...... He never forgets that we are human, we grow tired, weary and frustrated with issues.
Gradually I was able to draw some hope and strength from her and finally I was able to get on my knees again and talk to my heavenly Father. I actually read my bible and devotional again after ignoring them for more than a month. One of the readings even said that when God brings you out of a wilderness experience, it's because He is preparing you for the next level. I really hope so! I'm glad to report that I'm feeling much better now. Actually the fact that I'm able to type this is a good sign. Last week I couldn't have strung words together that made sense.

I'm still not sure what God is trying to teach me through this experience though. Sometimes we may get the full picture and sometimes we may never know why God takes us through some situations. I guess it's a test of faith or endurance and I failed woefully. Hmmm.

One thing I now appreciate more, is the joy and blessing of having a good Christian friend around. And I have to thank you too, Believer.

Sorry if this post makes no sense whatsoever. Have a blessed week :^)

12 comments:

  1. Makes plenty sense indeed. I am so there with you. Seems like a lot of us have been having an internal struggle. The body, soul, and spirit just don't seem to be on one accord. Every morning I awake with the hope that it will be a good day. Things may not go my way, but He is still good. And everyday my faith grows.

    This is only a test. God has to break us to get to us.

    Blessings!

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  2. It (and you) definitely make sense, Favoured Girl! I'm glad that you're feeling more like yourself, and on your way to feeling 100%.

    This entry completely relates to the sermon that was preached in my church today. I do believe that struggles are opportunities for us to cling to God and deepen our faith (though in my experience I tend to distance myself in times of struggle).

    A helpful quotation that I've heard is "If God brings you to it, he will get you through it."

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  3. believer!10:25 AM

    My sis, this was a real source of encouragement to me. It is well, the Lord will perfect what He has begun in your life. Thank God that when we get tired, He doesn't. I still believe that that bestseller is in you, don't forget my autographed copy!!

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  4. Don’t say sorry, it sure makes perfect sense…and I tell you I can relate with you a hundred percent…
    I’ve been there before (can’t say I won’t go through it again) and getting my “grove” back on took the grace of God!
    Encourage yourself like David did (‘cos I tell you sometimes families/friends can’t just get it! They can’t rationally understand why you should be in such a shape when it seems as if everything is going well for you!) and remind yourself that it is just a feeling, it will pass… we are NOT moved by what we feel/hear/see…Only the Word of God will move our feet…Then get your dancing shoes on and wear your garment of praise and just praise God…seriously dance(if you don’t feel like singing, put that favourite praise album of yours on…thank God for technology I don’t have to hear myself croak ) and then remind your self of all the wonderful things God has brought your way…if you don’t have a testimony book, I suggest you get one…sometimes we forget what God has done for us in our lives…(come to think of it…I haven’t filled my testimony book in ages…Will do that to day)…
    Do this as many times as you can (it isn’t a formula by the way it is just a suggestion) and also remember that it is a phase…”weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning; you may not feel strong…but you are strong…you may not feel happy but you have joy…bottom line is it is not about how you feel…it is all about God…need I go on?
    Thanks for sharing this…I know loads of people are going through the same thing…it just goes to show that we are all the same regardless of our colour…
    Remember too that prayer moves mountain… but PRAISE will move God from his throne…it is well with you.

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  5. Crikey. You were on my mind so I popped onto your blog to find out how you were doing and how the book was going and I read this. Hmmm.

    Drop me an email when you can.

    All blessings.

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  6. men i totally feel u on this post o...have been in that kind of state a couple of times myself..but in the end only God can save us from ourselves as we are nothing without him


    Good to know u r feeling much better.

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  7. The wilderness experience...

    Sometimes it helps to know that other runners have also been in the wilderness (or may still be).

    I have. I got liberated on Friday night when I heard a phrase "Walk in peace." If we can just keep walking in peace, shrugging away the shrubs of the wilderness, we will emerge stronger than before...

    Oh, one more thing. You have to identify what exactly the devil is toying with in your life. For me, it was my PRAISE...I started this year with high spirits, all waking up in the morning with songs of praise on my lips. All of a sudden, my praise started dwindling. It was not until last two weeks that I identified what I was losing and took it back from the devil. Now, my joy is full again, no matter what the circumstances around me are!

    Mwah!

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  8. :) babe you r obviously hitting a nail on the head..

    everyone goes through wilderness and what makes it wilderness is even the thought that you are going at it alone..when there are people all over the world who are feeling exactly the same way.

    :) a righteous man shall fall 7 times but he shall rise up again...you will keep rising back up babe..

    and i totally agree with Jaycee..praise is a highly important key!!

    take your time with Kike, she is a masterpiece oh!!! ;)

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  9. Makes all the sense in the world, love. Too many times, I have gone back to Christ, gotten weary and tired and just said...well forget it then. But I'm never quite okay when I'm not where He is.

    I'm glad you're feeling better. Sorry about the writer's block. I tooooooootally understand that too.

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  10. glad to hear you're out of the "blues" now...

    enjoy ur week

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  11. hmmm...babe i totally feel you! Our God is definitely a mercuful God and when we stray from Him, he's alays waiting with open arms...just getting out of the blues myself, told myself the devil can't steal my joy!
    Loads of hugs babe! Welcome back!

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  12. It made perfect sense... I hate the feeling being so out of touch with God and not being able to do anything about it. or too lazy to try... Thank God, he is a God of second chances... hope you pass the next test, whatever that may be

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