I'm Upset

In the past two weeks I've been feeling rather down and discouraged. I love my family but sometimes they get on my nerves!

It all started when my mum came round to visit for a few days. I suspected something was up when she told me over the phone that she and I had a lot of "important things to discuss". If I had known I would have done all I could to avoid the discussions. But she's my mum, isn't she? I can't exactly ban her from coming to visit me in my house.

So she came, and promptly started talking about babies, or the lack of them in my house. Gosh! I wanted to tell her to shut up, it was that bad. I know she's worried, concerned and what not, but can she please just drop it! It's not up to her, it is something she can't control. Usually when we talk on the phone, I can switch off the conversation when she mentions babies, but I can't exactly shut her off when she's in front of me. She got me so upset that I retreated into my shell and hubby had to ask me what was wrong. When I told him, he promptly went to tell my mum to stop bothering me. But by then I was already very upset.

*sigh*

That wasn't all, oh no. She kept asking me about "when I would start working again". I explained I am working, the fact that I work from home doesn't mean I'm idle. But she kept going on and on. Especially when hubby and I told her we would be moving back to London soon. She and my aunt just said, "Oh good! So you can start working again!"

*shaking my head*

I got so tired of explainingto everyone, I actually got quite depressed. I even started considering taking a job again, just so that they can shut up and get off my back. By the time my mum left, she had done a fairly decent job of making me feel like a failure. But I came to my senses after praying about it and God helped to see things clearly again.

Oh dear God, please help me to shut out negative voices and focus on what You have called me to do.

More Life Lessons

I've learnt to appreciate the peace of mind that comes from God.

I've learnt that other people deserve to be forgiven when they upset me.

I've learnt not to let the sun go down on my anger.

I've learnt that what matters is not really my comfort, but what I have been called to do.

I've learnt that I need to let go of my pride.

I've learnt that I need to be more patient.

I've learnt that I cannot expect to live without God's strength.

I've learnt that money is good, but it should not be abused.

I've learnt that I am inherently selfish and I need God to help me deal with that.

I've learn that I can't or shouldn't even try to hide from God.

I've learnt that even when I don't understand the situations I find myself, God is still in control.

I've learnt that I need God's grace to carry out the tasks ahead of me.

I've learnt that I have been called to serve others, not the other way round.

I've learnt that God is never late, He's always on time.

I've learnt again, that God is faithful even when I'm not.

I've learnt that God is absolutely crazy about me!

Who would like to know the story behind the whole list of lessons I've been learning? lol. I had been having a rough time in the week and a half, feeling angry and disappointed with God, stressed out and tense, etc. At the beginning of the year, I prayed that I didn't want to fall sick this year. And guess what? I went down with the flu last week, just at the time when my parents-in-law were coming to stay with us!

It wasn't my best week, I can tell you that. I was stressed out, tense and worrying over every little detail. And to make matters worse, hubby and I had a series of arguments that had no head and no tail, which is very unusual because we hardly ever argue.

I got fed up of feeling awful yesterday morning and decided to have a lengthy conversation with God. And while searching for answers to all the many questions in my heart, God really spoke to me and reminded me that all I needed was His strength. But most of all, He restored my peace of mind and my joy.

Meanwhile January, the first month of 2009 is gone! Did I blink and miss it? lol. I have a few things to accomplish this month, mostly to do with my writing, so I will start working harder on it. I don't want to wake up and realise it's April and I'm still making excuses for my slow progress. I updated my writing blog today so please check it out and leave a comment. Thanks!

I wish you a really great month of February!

Internet, Trusting God

I’ve had one heck of a week. First my internet connection went down and I wasn’t able to do anything. You know how much we take the internet for granted now? Imagine for three days I was not able to check my emails, update my blog, read and comment on other blogs, log into Facebook, do several google searches, talk to my sister on yahoo messenger, chat with my other VIPs on googletalk, email my work to my friend for feedback, download the latest missed episode of my favourite shows, etc!

It makes me wonder: am I’m too dependent on the internet? Two days without it and a huge chunk of my career and social life is missing! I wonder what would happen if I had to go without it for a week. As it is now, I feel like so many bloggers have updated, it would take me forever to catch up so maybe I shouldn’t even bother. And it also gets me thinking about how much more dependent on the internet we will all become in future. Thankfully, the issue with my internet connection sorted itself out this afternoon and I’m in the loop again. lol

The second crazy thing that happened to me in the past week was: I got a job! And then promptly turned it down. It all started like a bit of a joke really. I applied for the job all right, and went for the interview last Friday. It seems the interviewers were totally blown away by my performance at the interview or something. They contacted me as soon as I got back home to say that I was successful and they would like to offer me the job. I thought about it and decided to accept. But then, I remembered that there was a reason why I had left the 9 – 5 in the first place, to do something else! So I called the company back and declined the offer. I thought everything was fine, until I got a job contract in the post this morning, asking me to report to the HR lady tomorrow morning! Now I’m confused – what should I do?

On another note, still related to that – I feel like God is testing my faith to see how much I trust Him. Part of the reason why I wanted to get a job again was because I was afraid of getting broke and having to rely on hubby for all my needs. In the past months I had been living on my income, and when I quit my job I started spending my little reserve. But now even that is melting away and I have nothing coming in at the moment. Hubby is not complaining one bit, but I’ll be honest, it’s scary for me not having any income! So I had sneakily started looking for a job again. Funny thing is, I didn’t have peace when I accepted the job offer and I knew from experience that once I don’t have peace about a decision, I’m only looking for trouble. I feel God is telling me to relax and He will provide for my needs somehow. It’s hard, but I guess I just have to trust the One who can do it.

Stay tuned for what I eventually do tomorrow. Hope you enjoy the rest of your week!

PS: The lovely Chika Unigwe has a new book out: On Black Sisters' Street. It's now available to pre-order from Amazon.co.uk and it's definitely worth checking out! You can pre-order here