More On Marriage

Recently there has been a lot of talk going on around blogville about marriages and infidelity. I've just read Vickii's post, then I read Uzo's post, then I read T-Minx's post. I've also read a lot of the comments from both sides of the debate as it were. Is marriage still relevant in our society? Is there any need for the vows "till death do us part"?

Well I'm a firm believer in the institution of marriage. I think it is the best relationship two people can have, if it is approached in the right way. I believe that marriage was instituted by God and He meant for us to enjoy it. The problems society has with marriage (and why marriages are under threat) is because we have taken God out of the picture, and so His ideas don't seem relevant anymore.

I don't believe that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage. None of us is perfect, so no relationship can ever be perfect if it is made up of two imperfect people. I do believe however, that if we recognise the purpose of marriage, then we would see that it is more than just a love contract or a ceremony in church. It is a covenant where we solemnly swear to "honour, love, respect and cherish" our spouse before God and man.

We mustn't forget that we are human though. So we sometimes forget to keep our promises. Who among us has never broken a promise? When you get married, you spend 5 minutes saying your vows and you have to spend the rest of your life carrying out those promises. How well that marriage goes depends on how faithful the husband and the wife are to the promises they have made.

Ladies imagine your long-term boyfriend comes to you with a large diamond ring and these words:

My darling, you have been the best thing that happened to me. I want to take our wonderful relationship to the next level. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you everyday. I want to have children with you, grow old with you. I promise I will always make you happy, I will be true to you and be faithful to you. If you give me this chance, I will spend the rest of my life making you happy. Will you marry me?"

Of course, the lady will say yes!

Now consider if the guy had said:
My darling, you have been the best thing in my life since I met you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you everyday. I want to have children with you, grow old with you.But I can't promise to be faithful to you. I don't know if I will be able to make you happy everyday. You can't expect me to do everything to make you happy. I will expect you to meet my needs all the time but I can't promise to meet your needs. I might cheat on you if the opportunity arises. Will you marry me?"

What do you think the girl would do? She will tell him to take a hike!

As Uzo said, there are no guarantees that getting married will make the relationship any more successful than if the parties involved just lived together. I agree whole-heartedly. What underpins any lasting relationship is commitment. If that commitment is lacking, then a marriage certificate is worthless. So should we give up on marriage then? Is marriage then irrelevant? No, no, no. Life itself is a risk. We all take chances with our decisions. I definitely believe that marriage is the ideal committed relationship for all parties involved: the man, the woman and the children produced in that union.

On the subject of cheating, truth is, infidelity does happen a lot in marriages. I avoid making general statements like "All men are cheaters" or "There are no good men around". Those statements are biased because those are the only examples the speaker has seen. Women do cheat too, perhaps not in the physical betrayal of sleeping with someone else, but in their minds. Anyway the point I am making is, most people look at infidelity from the woman's point of view. Should she take him back after he has cheated on her?

Speaking for myslef, I honestly can't answer that question. I wouldn't know until I've been in that situation. Besides every relationship is different so what might work for one woman, will not work for another.

Life Lesson #46789

It is not a good idea to have a serious discussion when you are tired, grumpy and hungry.


This I found out two days ago. I had come back from work late, I was hungry but there was no time to eat before I rushed out again to attend house fellowship till 10pm so I was really tired when we finished. Between when hubby and I left fellowship and when we got home, things got frosty. Then there was a big misunderstanding. In the best of circumstances, that was bad enough, but when you add all the other factors wrong with me, it was not a pretty sight.

We got home and I logged into my msn. Who should I see, but my relationship mentor online. Now this is someone I have never seen online before. In fact since we got married I have only spoken to him once. Why is he online tonight? He starts chatting with me. Asks after hubby. Asks how is married life. Errrrm... I said married life is sweet. Well it wasn't sweet at that moment. But I didn't dare tell him that we had just had an argument.

Anyway sha, the whole episode is sorted out now, over hugs and kisses. I don't like it when we are quarelling.It takes so much energy to remain angry with someone when you are living in the same house. God help us all.

TGIF

After all the excitement of last weekend, I was looking forward to a normal week at the office. We are still finding soot in unexpected places in our flat. No worries, we were planning to move out soon anyway! Maybe hubby did that on purpose,so that I wouldn't change my mind about leaving our current spot!

Anyways I've had a good week. No more fire accidents, no issues at the office. And to top it off, my dad is around from Nigeria!! I'm seeing him tomorrow. I'm so excited, can't wait. I'm a real daddy's girl. Even marriage can't change that. I always said that the only man that I would love like my dad would be my husband.

In other news, it has been quite sad and annoying these past few weeks, to hear of so many marriages ending due to infidelity, ego clashes and "irreconcilable differences". Last week I was so shocked to hear that Reese Witherspoon's marriage was ending. I was always pleased to read her interviews where she mentions the strong marriage she had. Now that is gone (sob). I had not even gotten over that yet, before I started hearing rumours about Alesha, Harvey and Javine in a bizzare love-triangle that ended up with the newly-married Harvey sleeping with Javine. Urrrgh! I don't know whether to be angry or sad. Maybe both! See here: Javine Hilton being caught in bed with ex So Solid Crew star Harvey And then of course, the Britney/Kevin gist. That was just sooo silly. Let me not say more than that.

I'm looking forward to enjoying my weekend. I'm meeting my dad, sister and other family members tomorrow, so that should be fun. It's good to have family around. Here's wishing you all a lovely weekend!

Wise Words

A friend sent this to my email box:

*A Soulful Relationship* by Reverend Ronald McFadden

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples.. and reflect on it. An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren't really important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths. You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together. Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

What keeps a relationship strong? Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note). Leave a nice message on their voicemail or send a nice email. Sharing common goals and interests.

Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure. Allow your mate to have outside interests. You can't always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment. Don't try to control one another. Learn each other's family situation. Respect his or her parents regardless.

Don't put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember for richer or for poorer. If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion. " Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever. Isaiah 40:8 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight. Always try to be a little kinder than is necessary.

The difference between 'United' and 'Untied' is where you put the i. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Hmmm, wise words indeed.