Tuesday, April 24, 2007

More On Marriage

Recently there has been a lot of talk going on around blogville about marriages and infidelity. I've just read Vickii's post, then I read Uzo's post, then I read T-Minx's post. I've also read a lot of the comments from both sides of the debate as it were. Is marriage still relevant in our society? Is there any need for the vows "till death do us part"?

Well I'm a firm believer in the institution of marriage. I think it is the best relationship two people can have, if it is approached in the right way. I believe that marriage was instituted by God and He meant for us to enjoy it. The problems society has with marriage (and why marriages are under threat) is because we have taken God out of the picture, and so His ideas don't seem relevant anymore.

I don't believe that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage. None of us is perfect, so no relationship can ever be perfect if it is made up of two imperfect people. I do believe however, that if we recognise the purpose of marriage, then we would see that it is more than just a love contract or a ceremony in church. It is a covenant where we solemnly swear to "honour, love, respect and cherish" our spouse before God and man.

We mustn't forget that we are human though. So we sometimes forget to keep our promises. Who among us has never broken a promise? When you get married, you spend 5 minutes saying your vows and you have to spend the rest of your life carrying out those promises. How well that marriage goes depends on how faithful the husband and the wife are to the promises they have made.

Ladies imagine your long-term boyfriend comes to you with a large diamond ring and these words:

My darling, you have been the best thing that happened to me. I want to take our wonderful relationship to the next level. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you everyday. I want to have children with you, grow old with you. I promise I will always make you happy, I will be true to you and be faithful to you. If you give me this chance, I will spend the rest of my life making you happy. Will you marry me?"

Of course, the lady will say yes!

Now consider if the guy had said:
My darling, you have been the best thing in my life since I met you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you everyday. I want to have children with you, grow old with you.But I can't promise to be faithful to you. I don't know if I will be able to make you happy everyday. You can't expect me to do everything to make you happy. I will expect you to meet my needs all the time but I can't promise to meet your needs. I might cheat on you if the opportunity arises. Will you marry me?"

What do you think the girl would do? She will tell him to take a hike!

As Uzo said, there are no guarantees that getting married will make the relationship any more successful than if the parties involved just lived together. I agree whole-heartedly. What underpins any lasting relationship is commitment. If that commitment is lacking, then a marriage certificate is worthless. So should we give up on marriage then? Is marriage then irrelevant? No, no, no. Life itself is a risk. We all take chances with our decisions. I definitely believe that marriage is the ideal committed relationship for all parties involved: the man, the woman and the children produced in that union.

On the subject of cheating, truth is, infidelity does happen a lot in marriages. I avoid making general statements like "All men are cheaters" or "There are no good men around". Those statements are biased because those are the only examples the speaker has seen. Women do cheat too, perhaps not in the physical betrayal of sleeping with someone else, but in their minds. Anyway the point I am making is, most people look at infidelity from the woman's point of view. Should she take him back after he has cheated on her?

Speaking for myslef, I honestly can't answer that question. I wouldn't know until I've been in that situation. Besides every relationship is different so what might work for one woman, will not work for another.


  1. Nice one favored girl, but this issue of cheating is a very touchy topic. I also don't know how i will react if it happens to me. All the same i'm also a very firm believer in marriage. Marriages can be beautiful,despite all the turbulences if the foundation is right. Please update "Journey down the aisle" we r waiting :)

  2. I even thought i would be first sef...meanwhile i'll say the same thing again


    and i am with you as always on this issue of love, committment and marriage :)

  3. Anonymous7:07 PM

    Nice post - I agree with your views on marriage. Funny enough I was watching the news today and they were discussing divorce rates here in the states. It's a shame that some people don't even give marriage a try - they are so quick to go out of it. Your mom's story really touched me, though I don't know how I will react in that kind of situation, one thing for sure is that I admire your mom - she is a strong woman and I can tell from the choice that she made, she isn't a selfish one either...thanks for the post

  4. I think a lot of mothers will no doubt have similar stories and because i have been cheated on in a relationship,the pain i felt was so intense, that i have to take my hats off to them.

    Seriously though, while i will get married God willing, i just dont believe its for everone or that it should be expected.....

  5. Happy Silver Anniversary to your parents. I hope we all get to that milestone and more too.

  6. Hmmm..... I agree with u wholeheartedly, a woman has to hold her home and try to make her mariage work, no matter what.

  7. Happy Belated Silver Anniversary to your parents :)

    Marriage ummmmm now thats a different ball game all together. There are soo many factors involved in that drama it gives one a headache just trying to keep up.

    I believe each person should live their own marriage through their own individual hearts, and not look on any positive or negative marriages as a yardstone, because to tell the truth, there are only ever 3 people who know the REAL goings on in any marriage, The Man, The Woman & God. It's simple to me really, no marriage will succeed without 5 key ingredients:

    Love, Trust, Honesty, Respect & God

    Now as long as these 5 basics are the foundation on which the marriage is built, anything negative (and believe me there will be plenty) that is thrown the way of the couple will not stick, just like having a Teflon marriage to all negativity.


  8. Amen o @ Calabar Gal

    Nice Post favoured girl...really learnt a lot..and totally think you are on point with most of the things you said.

    I guess praying and asking God for his will and grace to be done is the only way forward...I guess once he has been made the head of the marriage,home,whatever name u want to give it...ALL just HAS TO BE WELL!!!

  9. Favored Gal, I have to agree with you. The institution of marriage has been great underestimated and unappreciated. People marry only for love; I'm not saying it's not a good idea (of coruse, it is!), but people do not use their heads anymore. People dunno when to go and when to stop; when to strive and when to call it quits. Marriage has become a 'right now' situation; almost never permanent. But a family that prays together, stays together, so if couples would put God in their relationship, all will be alright.

  10. Happy anniversary to your parents! My post was about women like your mum ... I've come to realise that the strength and selflessness and committment that it takes to stay with a man that cheated on you is something that I am not capable of and I genuinely respect women like her who have done it and make it work.

    Marriage is complicated and difficult but I believe that's what makes it so rewarding when it works.

  11. Congrats to your parents..I'm so proud of them just as I am proud of mine.
    I admit I am contradicting myself especially when I've said in some of my blog posts "marriage and love is overrated" , but one thing is for sure, I do believe in the institution of marriage, its a wonderful thing & I am getting married on the beach.
    The problem with all these relationship and marriage issues is that it is sooo overrated.. and the society exaggerates so much about Jane Doe's marriage, Jane Doe's relationship, ohhh Jane's bf was this,oohhh he used to beat her up,oohh he gave her $10k to go shopping...oh he took me around the world...ohh she was a gold digger, oh.. she was doing this.. oohh she was doing that..
    We listen to stuffs like these and allow the society to dictate what should/must be done in our own personal relationships. Some of us forget that human beings are different. What happens to Mr Doe might not be what what would happen to you..
    What happened to doing things your way?
    What happened to doing things according to your own discretion instead of seeking the opinion of others and the society?
    What happened to using your own initiative to make the right decisions?
    This is what is degrading the value of marriage and relationships.

    Let me stop sha..
    Bottom line: Marriage is beautiful if only both parties are willing to humble themselves and work it out.

  12. lol.. I cant believe I typed so much.. phew..

  13. Hello Fav,
    Its been awhile and I am sorry that I havent commented in awhile.
    First let me congratulate your parents on their silver anniversary. It is always great to see marriages that are able to stand the test of time/stress/ups and downs. Truly to be commended and you are VERY fortunate

    However, here is the other shoe...
    what do you say to people who did not grow up in a happy home, who had moother's and children who were totally miserable in their homes, because they were trying desperately to keep their home together at all costs even thought the Husband/father feels differently?? There are so many varying angles to marriage and how much one is willing to take. Your mom was very forgiving, your dad also hopefully stopped his cheating. Even if your mom had seperated from him, she would have been in her rights.

    I personally do not think that marriages that do not work are bad...sometimes they are for the best as we are all different people and able to take only so much. Think about it.

  14. pple should be more willing to try n work things out like ur mom did

  15. Happy wedding annivessary to your folks... truly aint easy... May God Give them 25 more years and more of hapiness! Cheers..

  16. Thank you so much Favoured lady...for sharing this piece and also sharing with us from real life experiences. I may not be married but I know there is no sure thing as a perfect marriage, person or family...every one of them has its own up's and down's but it is how you go round the problem is what makes us a better person.
    God has not promised us a problem free journey in life but He promises a safe journey. I also think women should learn not to poison their children especially the girls against their father...I loved the way your Mom handled that situation. She could have taken the easy way out but she did not...and that is why God has blessed her with wonderful children and better more she lives to enjoy the wonderful things God will use her husband to accomplish in her life... Happy Anniversary to your Parent. And have a blessed weekend.

  17. happy belated silver anniversary to your parents

  18. Moi...9:10 PM

    True say Bluntremi....walking out on a cheating husband is not an easy way out as some pple seem to be hinting. It takes alot to make a marriage work and sometimes walking can be the only solution. To some extent, I don't agree with some of the points Favoured girl raised. It is like she is hinting keeping a home together is the woman's responsibility. And that is totally false. It takes two to make marriage work.The responsibility of keeping the marriage together should be shared by both the husband AND wife.

    Furthermore, cheating is one thing and battering is another. I wonder wat you will say to a woman that her husband beats? Stay back and make the marriage work?

  19. You are a Taurean too, when is your birthday? Great write up! Oh and its Sweden.

  20. Oooh! when i see posts like this, i wanna get married immediately!

    Muchas Gracias to ya parents, though

    It aint easy!

  21. I know marriage is not easy from first-hand experience.. I do not like cheating, and I always wonder whatwill be the result if I was placed in a situation like that.. Forgiveness is easy and can be done with time, but it is that forgetting that is the problem with me. Ihave to know everything , why did you do it, etc...to the point of I feel tormented by the action.. I don't know. Your mother is very strong and I applaud her because I know it was not easy...

    Your father owes her alot...

  22. congrats to your parents.. and to your mom especially for her strenght.. i agree with you.. marriage is a commitment not to be entered into lightly... and of course like anything good.. it's worth fighting for... i wish you the best in your marriage cos you deserve nothing but the best.. and remember i'm going to be your future babys blogsville godmother(me i announced it first oh so nobody berra argue this with me oh.. cos me i fight very dirry!!!)

  23. tears would just be pouring down my eyes...........can't wait to get married someday and just sleep on my boyfriend's chest peacefully every nite and not have to worry about anything.lol. Congrats to ur parents. That's great.

  24. Anonymous4:41 AM

    what if it was a wife that cheated on her husband? would he have forgiven her? would he have tried to make the marriage work?


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